My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
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[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
security at the airport getting more straightforward
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool