*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
You Might Also Like
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75