Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
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DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
went fishing caught a bass
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.