[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
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I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
This kinda thing happens to me often
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
bugs when you lift up a rock
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t