Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
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#Caturday
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary