I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
You Might Also Like
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
love it when they get my name right
And that about sums it up.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure