GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
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Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.