My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
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When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.