When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
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What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Saturday
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.