yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
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Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*