8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
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You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.