Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
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Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Stop sending me this shit.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.