Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
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I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”