2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
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Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
Hit me in the face with a bird
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
I feel seen.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.