Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
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I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.