My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
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Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?