Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
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Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
Probably my best painting.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.