called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
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A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
real
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.