Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
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Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Liquor Store Parking
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.