Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
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Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Become a minion. Get that bread.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.