[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
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I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
no!! no!!!!!!
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught