Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
You Might Also Like
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
pat pat
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot