Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
You Might Also Like
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
This kid is going places
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
My wife gives the best headache.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!