Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
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[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
why am I working on Labor Day
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food