Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
You Might Also Like
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…