true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
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For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
i now pronounce you bounced.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.