All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
You Might Also Like
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
It’s an epidemic…
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
this is literally a CIA plant
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
The absolute effort that went into this omg