cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
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I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Current mood: Potato
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
life finds a way
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.