abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
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Cinematography is my passion
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?