Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
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I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle