Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
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I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
i think we should see other cousins
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
☠️☠️☠️
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
you gotta be faster
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
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