People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
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kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
CRYING
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Does beer think about me too?
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER