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I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Banking tips
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal