Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
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how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run