The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
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sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
“Why you watching this shit?”
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat