My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
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Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.