Webb. James Webb.
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A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet