The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
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M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here