When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
You Might Also Like
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.