Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
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Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup