It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
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firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
This is my favorite one of these!
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.