Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
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“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
this FaceApp is creepy af
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay