Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
You Might Also Like
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.