I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
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The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
he chose this
I’m not proud
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*