[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
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Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.