Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
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Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
May never get over this
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.