you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
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Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend