Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
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Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
I was up all night reading about insomnia
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
6: are snakes just neck?
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
sliding into dms like
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.