When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
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*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Having a panic attack thinking about how there鈥檚 somebody in Australia standing directly under me
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Couldn鈥檛 finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I鈥檒l manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
According to my kid, cops won鈥檛 give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you鈥檙e in a race because then they鈥檒l understand you鈥檙e supposed to go fast
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
Dammit Chief not again
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn鈥檛 live off of that celery.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 馃檪-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
My tinder profile says I鈥檓 looking for an
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don鈥檛 want to be seen with them in public, but they鈥檙e handy when you鈥檙e in cuffs.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Sure I鈥檒l donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb