Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
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FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.